Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk....

After my post which I just made like 15 minutes ago, I binged more. I went to go purge and just now as I was purging, my dad came home. He's downstairs right now. The kitchen is a mess with food and wrappers and dirty dishes. I know he knows what I've been up to. I'm pissed because I want to keep purging. I need to get the rest of this shit out of me.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm so fucking ashamed of myself. I don't know why I don't kill myself and get it over with already. All I am is a waste of life and a burden on everyone. I'm a goddamn failure.

Within the past 2 hours... not in this order...

- Weight Watcher's bagel with cream cheese and jelly
- 1 slice Weight Watcher's bread
- 1 slice potato bread
- 1 hamburger bun
- 1/4 c. shredded cheddar cheese
- 1 c. noodles with tomato sauce
- 1 serving almonds
- 1 serving cashews
- 1 serving beef jerky
- banana
- large apple
- 4 oz yogurt
- 1/2 c. Fiber One
- 3/4 c. oatmeal
- 2 tbsp. peanut butter
- 2 shortbread cookies
- 2 strawberries
- 3/4 c. fresh pineapple chunks
- La Tortilla wrap

I... fucking... hate... food.

The past couple of weeks have been really hard. I haven't felt a depression like this since I was last on medication, which was a few years ago. I initially thought Effexor was going to work for me because the first two weeks I felt calmer, my appetite decreased, and I had some hope that maybe things would turn around.

But now... things are falling apart. I've attended only 2 days of classes in the past two weeks and I am SO behind in school work. I've missed enough classes that the college can kick me out now. I plan to talk to my advisor soon and I hope she'll be understanding of my situation.

I fully intended to go to class today. I got up in time, had breakfast. Then I just started freaking the hell out. I was literally sitting here shaking. My heart was racing and I felt like I was having a panic attack. Instead of heading out the door (I was in no condition to drive), I curled up on my bed and fell asleep for an hour and a half. Immediately after waking up I binged for who knows what reason since I wasn't even hungry. Trying to avoid going to class? I don't know. The panic attack feeling came rushing back and I called my dad telling him that I stayed home yet again and that I can't continue with this medication. He told me to get out of the house for a while, maybe go hiking. I'm going to leave to do that in a few minutes...

So yeah, I binged, and I feel disgusting. 300+ carbs according to sparkpeople.com, 1900 calories. Christ. I fucking ate mostly popcorn, oatmeal, 2 cereal bars, handfulls of dry cereal, and bread. I weigh 130lbs (weighed myself after bingeing, so I don't know how much of that weight is the food in my stomach). It's my 5th day without purging so at least there's one thing to be proud of. I can feel how much it's destroying my teeth and I really don't want to lose them by the time I'm 30 so I'm done with that shit. I'm still bingeing, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction despite that. I keep telling myself I have to take one step at a time, that I can't expect myself to stop purging AND bingeing at the same time.

*Sigh* I guess I'll go pack a couple water bottles and head out to go hiking with my dog. Yesterday I took her for a 6 mile walk, so hopefully she's up to it. The mutt never seems to run out of energy though so I don't think I have to worry about it.

Current Mood: fat

All I have done today is binge and sleep. I feel so fucking disgusting, so nauseous. I could purge... get it out of me... but I'm not going to let myself.

After bingeing once earlier I was so upset. I was bawling... cutting myself. I've cut myself maybe twice in the past 3 years or so and today I must have cut my leg about 50 times. Nothing deep, but there's enough cuts in one area that it hurts like a bitch at times. I felt like I deserved it.

God I can't keep doing this. I can't keep gaining weight.

I'm so full I can hardly breathe.




I won't let myself purge...

I went to California and now I'm back. The wedding went wonderfully and it made me so happy to see my best friends. It's hard to believe 11 years have passed since I met them and that my one best friend is now married with a daughter. Where does time go?

I didn't binge while I was there, didn't purge, and was free from my obsession about weight for a few days. When I'm with those people it makes me realize how trivial this all is. There's so much more to life than weight and appearances. I ate wedding cake, lasagna, tacos... hell I heve ate an entire egg and cheese sandwich on the plane ride home... and I still lost weight because I wasn't bingeing and purging. I was eating like a normal person.

Despite that, however, I've been in a funk since I have gotten home. It's like I don't give a shit about anything anymore. All I want to do is sleep. I skipped my classes on Tuesday and b/p, slept, b/p again, slept again. Yesterday was okay... didn't really binge and went to class. Today I skipped again and b/p twice in the morning after waking up, then went back to sleep for 4 hours.

I'm throwing everything away. I'm getting behind in my classes. According to the syllabus, I have a test next Tuesday in my art history course and I have no fucking notes for it. I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't get notes from anyone before then. If I get a 0 on the test, the best grade I'll manage to get for the class is maybe a C depending on how I did on my paper. Fuck.

I don't know if I'm liking this medicine. It gives me a "Fuck it" mindset and I just don't give a damn about anything. My weight is disgusting, I'm failing my courses. I'm almost where I was 7 years ago. I don't know how to get out of this cycle.

Current Mood: depressed

I feel so disgusting today. I woke up and binged like an idiot.

- Kashi GoLean bar
- Quaker less sugar granola bar
- 2 slices potato bread
- 2 slices WW bread
- 6oz yogurt
- 1/4 c. Fiber One
- 1 c. Frosted Flakes
- about 8 tablespoons of peanut butter
- 3 bites cottage cheese
- La Tortilla wrap with 4 slices turkey, 8 turkey pepperoni slices, 2 tbsp fat free Ranch

That was around 10am. Since then I've had:

- 3 apples
- Subway veggie sub
- 1 mini butterfinger
- 1 Hershey kiss
- salad with chicken
- popcorn mini bag

2000+ calories. I can't believe how big I am. I see the 200lb girl looking back at me in the mirror and it makes me want to shut down and crawl into a dark hole.

I'm leaving for California tomorrow. I'm scared the dress won't fit. I feel repulsive. Ugh.

125 this morning...

I feel like I'm getting bigger and bigger and bigger, even though I'm 7lbs less than I was last week. I feel so bloated and flabby. I swear I look like I weigh 145lbs. Even my jeans are tight as hell. I've been hiding in baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants for the past couple weeks...

Sunday I ate about 800 calories for the day and was walking all freaking day while shopping. Yesterday I binged in the morning, about 1600 calories, then had 2 spinning classes and didn't eat much for the rest of the day. I'm really proud of myself because I didn't let myself purge.

I was up all night last night trying to finish my paper. I got it done, but I only managed about 2 hours of sleep. I've been exhausted all day. I've probably had about 1100 calories today. I feel like I'm going to collapse. I'm also getting sick which doesn't help any. My throat is sore/dry. Hopefully it goes away before I leave for California on Thursday...

Grrrr so tired... why am I even typing this...

Today has sucked ass. I was doing okay, but then I started doing my paper. Anxiety began to overwhelm me and I felt like it was going to swallow me whole. I went downstairs and ate and ate and ate despite already being so fucking full from eating earlier. I couldn't stop. I sat there shoving my face with oatmeal and bowls of cereal while my brother and sister were in the next room watching tv. Afterwards I went into the basement and puked into a plastic bag so no one could hear me.

What a fucking waste of my life...

The two things I hate the most about this is that 1) I am destroying my health and 2) I'm not being the role model big sister that I need to be. My 8 year old sister loves me, looks up to me, and here I am destroying myself. What if she learned what I was doing, began doing what I was doing? It would crush me and I would be the one to blame. I also hate the fact that my dad is probably disappointed in me for not being stronger. But I am strong, I know it in my heart, so why am I letting this defeat me so easily? I know this isn't who I was meant to be.

After yesterday's post I binged more and purged then too even though I said I wouldn't. I ended up being 40 minutes late to my class. I felt bloated and gross this morning but I still weighed 126.2lbs. Meh.

I'm so tired... drained. I can't sleep well anymore. I wake up constantly throughout the night. This paper I'm writing is due on Tuesday and I only have maybe a page written. I can't find the information I need. I really fucking hate writing papers, they always stress me out. I've always gotten them done on time though, and I know I'll manage to do the same with this one...

Ughhhh I feel nauseous. I just binged on absolute junk.

- 7 pieces of chocolate (the fun size bars)
- 3? Chips Ahoy cookies
- sugar free pudding
- 2 packets of oatmeal
- 1 slice wheat bread
- 1/2 slice potato bread
- 1/2 c. Frosted Flakes
- 2 Kashi GoLean bars
- graham cracker sheet
- 4 oz yogurt
- 1/2 c. cottage cheese
- 3 strawberries
- 1/2 c. peach slices
- 1 fajita
- 3/4 oz cheese
- 100 cal bag of Cheetos

... somewhere around 2000 calories, all eaten within 2 hours. What pisses me off the most is that I didn't even want any of it. I ate a Kashi bar for breakfast, made coffee, went upstairs, and was on my laptop for a while. Then I got bored, realized I had another hour and a half or so before I had to leave for school, and went to go eat more. Then of course once I started eating the candy shit, I couldn't stop. I hate sugary stuff like that because all it does is make me want more. I'm probably going to crash later today from the huge amount of sugar I've eaten as well as get some bad cravings.

I actually started shoveling yet more food in my mouth because I was planning to purge. Yeah, well I remembered that I had already taken my medicine. There goes that idea. Now I'm sitting here with a belly poking out a mile. Fuck it though, it's a good thing I can't purge. This shit doesn't control me, I control it. Fuck purging.

Now it's finally time for me to go to class, hooray. I have cardio kickboxing. At least I'll be exercising for the next 2 hours...

Some good news: I somehow weighed 126lbs yesterday morning. I double checked it on our other scale too. I also didn't binge/purge yesterday, so hooray for that too.